Do It Yourself Gardening and Landscape Design

How good is my short story? Please rate out of 10 and give suggestions

The people of the tribe had long had a symbolic and harmonious connection with the land for it gave them food and sheltered them. Life was great for them and they were blissfully unaware of the troubles and corruption of western civilisation. They were also blissfully unaware of what would happen to them.

The man tossed and turned in his queen sized bed in his queen sized house. He could not sleep. I cannot fail… and will not fail. As CEO of the largest company in the world you would think money would be the least of his problems. Wrong.

A geographer, translator and plant expert had just failed their mission from headquarters. They must go to another tribe they agreed and continued to plough they’re way through the Amazon in the land rover.

It was the second day of her new job and already she had formed an instant dislike for her new boss. After having to give up volunteering at a recycling plant and various other environmental community service after the death of her husband, she was still getting over the shock she had received on her first day. Of course the advertisement did not mention that she would be working for a logging company. After all she was extremely passionate about the environment.

“Your late!’ he screamed, banging his fist on his mahogany desk. “Sorry sir replied the woman. The man hadn’t learnt to treat his personal assistants properly, even after having 30 of them. “Well maybe if you didn’t ride that wretched bicycle to work and got a lift in my hummer you wouldn’t be”. The man loved his new gas guzzling car he was even willing to share it. “Now, have you got any ideas on how we can solve our problem with natives not signing over their land in the Amazon, I have huge corporate clients breathing down my neck here about reaching this years quota”. “No sir she whimpered as she backed towards the door slowly. “Well put yourself to some use and get me a cup of coffee” he ordered. “Yes sir” she replied.

The group was tired after their 300 mile drive through the amazon. They knew they were close now as they could hear the bang of drums along with cheering. With a boot full of food and a contract for the natives to sign they knew what they had to do.
They were quite experienced at their job by now – going from tribe to tribe conning the natives into signing they’re territory away for logging rights. After all, rainforests (especially Amazonian ones) produce some very expensive and sought after products. And, when the land is clear it can be used for crops and grazing animals as the soil is rich in nutrients.

The natives raised their spears and arrows at the strangely coloured men as they pulled closer in a just as strange contraption. “Don’t fire!” yelled the translator in their native dialect, we come in peace and have gifts of peacekeeping” he continued. The natives accepted the gifts of food straight away, grabbed hold of them and took them to their leader. The translator explained politely to the leader about the offerings. “Do you want more?” asked the translator. “Because there is plenty more where we come from”. “Yes! Yes!” exclaimed the leader. “Well, said the translator “We need a small favour that I’m sure you will be able to give us”. The leader quietly listened. “Could we please cut down a few trees for we need them to build our houses among other things? In exchange we will give you all the food in our truck over there. Agreed?”. “Yes! Yes!” exclaimed the leader as he leapt up and hugged the men in agreement.

The man sighed in relief and smiled greedily at the great news he had just received from the Amazon. The woman entered. “I’m taking the afternoon off” he said whilst taking off his tie. “Clean up my desk” he ordered as he exited the room. The woman got straight to work but could not help herself to the papers on the man’s desk. She gasped and almost fainted while muttering ‘1, 000, 000 hectares of Amazon?!”

The apocalypse was here they thought hearing the roaring nearby. People yelled and screamed as one by one trees fell like dominoes. “They only said a few trees” exclaimed the leader. What had he done?! They ran and ran until there was nowhere left to go. They were left with a barren, desert like landscape.

A huge depression swept over the natives. They had lost the one thing they had valued most. If this landscape wasn’t hell, it certainly looked like it. Over the next few months many lost the will to live.

The woman wept and wept in front of her TV as images of deforestation in the Amazon played in front of her. Thoughts of realisation swept through her mind. The world is so corrupt these days with money and greed she thought. Cutting down beautiful rainforests and depriving natives only for money. However it was only then that it hit her – she had been corrupted as well. Working at a logging company… for money!?. What a sick world she said to herself as she switched off her TV, walked out onto her 21st floor balcony and jumped.

If you post it on http://www.chapteread.com you’ll probably get more feedback because the site is made to help writers. You could post your work for critique to get better feedback.

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7 Responses to “How good is my short story? Please rate out of 10 and give suggestions”

  1. figureskatingqueen says:

    idk
    References :

  2. C.Gholy says:

    In my opinion I would say 7/10. Good job on emotions.

    Fav part was
    ‘The man tossed and turned in his queen sized bed in his queen sized house. He could not sleep. I cannot fail… and will not fail. As CEO of the largest company in the world you would think money would be the least of his problems. Wrong. ‘

    References :

  3. zoe c says:

    I only read the first couple of paragraphs and stopped. You used the word them too many times and you have changed from third person point of view to first person point of view in a matter of a paragraph. Pick one and stick to it. I don’t know if it gets better or worse from then on, I couldn’t continue reading. Sorry.
    References :

  4. illornot says:

    3/10 It’s not engaging enough. much to hurried. You jump around to much. I probably ouldnt do better but I can see that it’s not workin to good. Where’s he red thhread, the plot, the message?? If yöu put som more effotrt to it it could be a good story i think
    References :

  5. **TEAM JACOB** says:

    6.5/10
    References :

  6. i_read says:

    If you post it on http://www.chapteread.com you’ll probably get more feedback because the site is made to help writers. You could post your work for critique to get better feedback.
    References :

  7. 123458 says:

    It went too fast and was sort of hard to follow. I think when you switch from one person to another it complicated things. Your idea was great. It sends a message that we need to do something about the environment.
    After a little revision it will make an incredible story. For now I give it a six.
    References :

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